


Things You Didn't Say At All

by sometimeswebreakbeforeweshine (orphan_account)



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Unrequited Love, except not, idk - Freeform, its quite odd, michael and cal are only mentioned like once lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-22
Updated: 2015-04-25
Packaged: 2018-03-25 05:03:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3797737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/sometimeswebreakbeforeweshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke never said what he meant, and it was his undoing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cliffakitten](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cliffakitten/gifts).



> hey guys! here's a crazy depressing lashton oneshot

Luke is 15 and Ashton has beautiful eyes. They have flecks of gold buried in green and Luke could look into them forever. When Ashton’s eyes were on his, it was like liquid warmth washing over him, the same warmth that comes with warm hot chocolate and cuddles and whispers and love. Ashton's eyes were fantastic, they always were and always would be, and Luke never said anything about it. Luke never said how those eyes kept them alive. Luke was curled into the older boy’s side, the warmth of the older boy radiating off his body and wrapping Luke in its’ warmth. He’s soft and warm and Luke loves it, loves how the boy smells like nothing he can really describe other than the fact that he loves it. Ashton is his new best friend, but the _best_ part is ridiculously true. Ashton was everything Luke loved. He was kindness and dimples and love and affection. Luke should tell Ashton how much he loves this, loves being wrapped up in his arms and the soft rain pattering against the rain making much, much better music they were practicing. He should say that. He should. But Ashton’s asleep on Luke’s bed and his breathing sounds like melodies, and he _can’t_ , can’t break that. He wants to speak, but he doesn’t, because Ashton is perfect.

Luke is 17, and Ashton has grown into the most beautiful boy Luke has ever seen. Their band, their little garage band has grown and Ashton is perfection, Ashton is smiles and sunshine and over the last year he’s looked into Ashton’s angel-eyes and thought thousands of times that he couldn’t live without him. Luke had always thought that, and time and time again, Ashton has proved that he didn’t have to. Because when Luke couldn’t sleep, Ashton would make tea exactly how he liked it. Ashton would smell like home and pine and Luke gets _drunk_ on Ashton, drunk on the smile Ashton would give him when he’s just told a joke. And Ashton’s telling a story about when they were younger, just kids, and the interviewer is eyeing him like a piece of meat, her platinum blonde fake highlights bouncing as her all-too-eager head nods. Luke wants to pull Ashton away, to tell him that he is _his_ ,  that Ashton is his boy, his light. But he didn’t say anything, because if he did, Ashton would get mad, and Luke couldn’t handle that. And when Ashton pulls him out of the room by entwined fingers and Luke loves his long fingers wrapped around his own, Luke swears he wants to tell Ashton so much. He wants to kiss the boy, which is a startling thing for the blue-eyed boy to realise. He wants to hold and kiss the boy whose hand he’s holding and Luke doesn’t say all the words that are licking like flames at his lips.

Luke is 17 and he’s sick. He’s sick and tired and he’s lonely but that all changed when a fringey boy with a sunshine smile bursts in loudly with movies and christ he looks good. It’s nice. Calum would’ve come, but  he was busy with Michael doing god-knows-what. And he’d rather have Ashton here anyway, because Ashton is entertaining him with stories about him mum and sister and how life would be so boring without them. He’s talking about anything and everything because he’s got a voice and Luke hasn’t, and he knows that Luke doesn’t like silence when he's ill. In fact, Ashton knows almost everything about the blonde boy. He knows his favorite candy, which he’s brought in oodles. He knows everything, it seems about the younger boy. And Luke wants to say that he loves that, how he is a picture and Ashton could paint it with his hand ties. But he hasn’t got a voice, and Ashton does, and Luke thinks it’s amazing, so he lets the words of it wash over him, and he ignores his own.   
 

Luke is 18, and things have gotten worse. It’s a starry night and they’re on break, back in Australia and Ashton is pressed into the crook of his neck and pretty and suddenly, Luke is saying something, because Ashton would listen. The stars look like a black paper with little jewels of light poked through and Luke thinks that there’s nowhere he’d rather be.  He would process and listen to Luke, and Luke adores it when he does that. He is addicted to the subtle nuances of the older boy, the way he smiles just a little lopsided, the way he hugs with his arms around Luke's middle, the way he looks dazed and lovely like God put a little extra time into making sure that Ashton glowed like the stars. Better, even.

“Ash? Do you ever feel, like, small?” Ashton nodded, but he drew circles into Luke’s wrist, hugging him just a bit tighter, causing Luke to pull him just a little bit closer. He wants Luke to keep talking, which he does, mostly because Ash wants him to, and he’d do anything for him.

“Like, sometimes, out here, you think of how big the universe is, and how we’re just a speck.” And Ashton’s nodding, now looking up at him, but just as close. Luke has this itch in his head to say that it looked like the stars were hung in the sky just for Ashton. How they could be small but the only thing that mattered to Luke in that moment and lots of moments after is the beautiful boy in front of him.

“Yeah, Lukey, I understand.” If he wasn’t blinking, he could’ve _sworn_ that Ashton’s eyes flickered down to the cerulean eyed boys lips.

Luke wants to kiss him so badly in this moment, and the words want to tumble out of his lips like a waterfall because this Ashton is beautiful and sweet and Luke is in love with him. Luke is so fucking in love with the boy in his arms and he wants to say something.   _I love you, Be mine, I love you I love you IloveyouIloveyou._ But Luke would die if Ashton didn’t kiss him back, if Ashton saw him as a brother, if he saw him as a friend, _fuck_ he’d be dead and buried. So he said nothing at all.

Luke is still 18 and Ashton is braver than Luke. He’s been clubbing all night for Calum’s birthday, and at some point in the night, he and Ashton had begun dancing together. Ashton is dancing silly, he’s a silly, giggly drunk, and Ashton is dancing around and Luke finds it endearing. He finds it cute. He finds it lovely. It’s lovely, the way his hair bounces and he only dances to dumb songs and he’s mainly just giggly and although Luke loves the boy in front of him, he decides it’s time to take him home.

But Drunk Ashton isn’t just giggly, he’s also clingy. And honest.

“Luuukey, I’m not ready to go home!” he said, and Luke, Luke just breaks out in a grin at that, because he loves this boy, he can feel it everywhere. He can feel it in his fingertips.

“Well, tough luck Ashton, maybe you shouldn't have drank so much,” And suddenly Luke’s got familiar arms on his torso, and Luke might suffocate. Because Ashton’s holding him, swaying to a slower song that’s playing and suddenly Luke isn’t taking him out, but is lost in what he’s always been lost it. The feel of Ashton’s body swaying against his own, peaceful eyes closed and smile just the hint of joy painted on rose pink lips and Luke can feel his resolve breaking, how much he wants to keep this boy with him forever. And Luke is swaying and it’s nice and sweet and Luke is happy. He’s happy.

And when Ashton’s _lips_ his soft lips brush Luke’s ear with words Luke had to know he didn’t mean when sober, Luke smiled “I’m in love with you, Luke Robert Hemmings.”

And he melts like chocolate against him, his resolve breaking because he would give heaven and earth to have that be true. And it isn’t. And he didn’t say anything at all.

It’s the next day and Luke is still a little broken and sad and ashton is sad but his eyes are still hazel jewels and Luke still wants to kiss him. Ashton looks a little hesitant when he comes down the stairs , meeting the eyes of the other boy only for a second. Luke craves it, craves to know  that the other boy still loves him. He knows it will never be enough, and he knows that Ashton is the brightest star in the galaxy and Luke couldn’t have him. He didn’t deserve him. And Ashton had stood next to him, boxing him against the wall. Ashton liked his lips, hazel eyes open wide and concentrated, but nervous. His eyes were a story, emotions stitched in and out like embroidery.

“Luke what I said last night-”

“It’s okay Ashton, you were drunk-”

“I meant it.”

The words are an eclipse , Luke’s life starting over again and breaking him and starting him all over again. Time passes and Ashton speaks again. “I’m in love with you, Luke Hemmings.” More time passes, and Ashton looks just a bit desperate as he speaks again, because he looks like he was expecting Luke to say it back, and he wants to, he wants to so badly, but he can’t have Ashton. He can’t.

“Luke- say something. _Please_ ” His voice cracked and Luke’s heart broke but Luke can’t give Ashton what he wants. He can feel it killing him, killing him and cutting little slashes into his heart as Ashton starts to have tears well in his eyes, and soon enough, walks away, walks away to his room and cries and curses everything and himself and Luke can fucking hear it.

And Luke didn’t say anything at all.


	2. Neverland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> natty's been talking to me through me writing this so yay.   
> smut???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!  
> *hug*

 

Ashton never smiled at Luke anymore. Its scary for him, the lack of warmth and affection from older boy, the older boy who said that he loved Luke.

He loved Luke.

The way the words sounded from Ashton’s lips sounded like heaven on his ear, like his whole life was  _worth something_ , because Luke has to think that Ashton is worth everything. His life would mean something if Ashton loved him. Because being loved by him, an angel, the brightest thing to ever settle on this earth, meant the greatest honor in this world was bestowed on him.  Ashton is a star, Ashton is light and hope and he is warmth and brilliance and he is polaroids with grainy expose.

And he could be a lot more. He could be cuddles and midnight kisses. He could be poetry and hushed breath breathed onto soft skin. He would be dancing on kitchen tiles and he could be Luke’s forever. Forever is a crazy long time, but Luke’s _invested_ in Ashton. Ashton is the most sure thing Luke’s ever had. Ashton and Luke would have been forever,

The way the words spilled from Ashton’s lips like he meant them, like he was so sure and the it is the greatest truth he will ever know. Luke was in love with Ashton, and Ashton is in love with Luke.

Luke loved Ashton as though Ashton was oxygen, as if without Ashton he’d suffocate. Which was almost true. He needed Ashton. He feels like someone has ripped out his lungs and provided a plastic bag. He feels like he’s barely breathing, because Ashton was his constant. Ashton was his north star, his one and only. He messed it all up. Ashton came to him and offered his love to Luke like a ruby rose, and Luke’s fear had crumpled the other boy’s love.

And in love’s place is awkwardness and space, and Luke needs it to end. He craves it like a drug addict, his hands might shake a little too hard if Ashton doesn’t touch him soon.

Luke is staring across the way at the other boy, his eyes trained on the other boy’s smile. He’s in love with that smile. He’s loved that smile when he was 15 years old and he’ll love it till he takes his last breath.

Ashton passed by Luke to grab a drink and Luke’s heart stopped.

Because Ashton is still beautiful, his every movement a work of art. He moved his fingers delicately and he walked lightly in this earth. He walked lightly and he was careful, as if everything was precious and he took in the world through beautiful doe eyes that widen like saucers when he looks at Luke. And sometimes, Luke can swear that he’d give the world to be with Ashton.

Ashton had wanted Luke, and Luke wants Ashton now.  Luke would always want Ashton.

And Luke didn’t say anything. Fear is everything that stopped him. And it stopped him from doing what would’ve made every thought of Ashton’s star-eyes. It stopped sleepless nights where kisses are what were word and it burns in the back of Luke’s throat.

Ashton is sitting with Calum and talking solemnly, pain in his eyes and running his hands through his hair, and Luke is scanning his form, black skinny jeans and a ripped brown shirt. He thinks he looks perfect.

There’s just sitting on opposite sides of the bar, but Luke feels like there's millions of miles between them. Boys who love each other so much that their love built an unbreakable rift.

Suddenly, Luke is walking. Luke is walking to the other boy and Calum looks a little cold, and Ashton has this panicky vulnerable look etched on his face and he looks scared when Luke’s in front of him.

It’s dark but Luke can always make out the details of Ashton. The curve of Ashton’s cheek,  _god_ he wants to touch him. He wants to feel smooth skin touch his fingers and he wants wants wants.

 

“Ashton can we talk?” And luke crumbles when Ashton takes in a shaky breath and looks at Luke through glassy eyes.

 

“Sure.”

 

Ashton spoke in long winded beautiful sentences that made Luke love him. But he’s guarded and it hurts Luke, but Luke’s to blame for that, isn’t he. Luke grabs Ashton’s hand and this is what he’s been craving, the familiarity of it. The soft roughness of Ashton’s hands against his hand, the pull of Ashton’s body that followed when Luke dragged him into the empty bathroom and it’s too tight and he’s almost pressed against Ashton and he wants to be.

 

“Ashton-”

 

“I’m sorry,” Ashton says and Luke is stunned because he didn’t think that he would say anything to Luke, might never again, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything, it was stupid, I just thought that you’d feel the same way.” And Luke is confused and then he _gets it_.  Ashton didn’t think Luke loved him.

And he wants words to stop and he wants it to slow down but it isn’t and Luke needs Ashton to stop saying what he is because it’s not nice to hear ugly things through a lovely voice. And there’s so much between those woods. He can hear Ashton’s thoughts  _stop there’s no way he could love you, you’re not what he wants, he could do so much better, worthless_

 

And suddenly, Luke is surged forwards and he’s pressed Ashton against a wall and his whole body is on fire and his lips are pressed against the other boy’s. He’s kissing him like he needs to force the pain and lies out of Ashton, like maybe he could kiss away the pain and kiss away the brokenness. Maybe he could love Ashton so hard to what he could undo what he broke, and he could have what he’s lost the chance to. Because Luke is like a magnet, attracted to Ashton in the most barbaric of ways. They go together. They go as friends, as lovers and as any thing else. And he’s kissing Luke and. grinding and Luke feels it. _Oh fuck_ he thinks as Ashton rolls his hips as _yep there’s Ashton’s cock pressed against me and yes i **want** it and he wants it too._

His kissing him like it’s an addiction, like he needs to prove something. Needs to prove to Ashton that he matters and that he loves him. That he’s always loved Ashton, that he would always love him. One hand is on the back of Ashton’s head and the other around Ashton’s waist and Ashton’s kissing back and he’s melted in front of luke and Luke knows what he took from Ashton when he never said anything. He took himself from Ashton.

It’s hard to think of anything except for _Ashton Ashton Ashton fuckfuckfuck_

Ashton kisses like a sweet addiction, the rush of it running up and down Luke’s veins and Luke is kissing Ashton and it feels like home and it’s new and exciting and it’s familiar and loving and Luke could stay here forever.

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” Luke kisses hard on Ashton’s neck, grinding desperately against the other boy and biting and sucking at the older boy’s neck.

“Lukey, _babe_ ,” Ashton moaned, and Luke just, he twitched at that, kissing and grinding his hips back into Ashton’s and it’s all a little fuzzy the warmth and the kisses and the hot tight heat gathering in Luke’s belly and his pulsing hips and Luke is in love.

It’s perfect and he doesn’t know how he missed this,how he almost lost it and how he almost lost the boy with a sunshine smile.

“I’m sorry, Ash, baby, I’m sorry,” and he means it, and his head is clouded and Ashton is touching him and it feels so hot and  nice and warm and desperate. It feels like a sweet heaven for Luke and he’s so desperate for Ashton and it hurts.

Ashton runs his hands through the younger’s hair and Luke wants to cry because there’s a swell of love for him that Luke feels and he’s always been.

It’s all too _real_ and their hips are pulsing and Ashton, brave Ashton, Ashton with the heart of a lion, Ashton with gold in his eyes, Ashton who’s gorgeous and Ashton with the smile and thighs and chest and shoulders and Ashton with the magic embroidered in every bit of his soul and suddenly he’s coming onto Ashton’s jeans and it’s the greatest thing he’s ever felt and this is his north star, his compass and his best partner in life. The great love of his life.  This is fireworks and ecstasy and if Ashton is a drug, he is an addict.

 

“I love you, Luke.”

And things are fantastic, because if Ashton is his north star, He might've just hopped a train to Neverland.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was shit lol

**Author's Note:**

> ahhhh *kisses*


End file.
